I bet my parents were not thinking about their final days when they started and raised a family. I bet, like most people of their generation, they had only passing thoughts about the deep future, and generally assumed that the government would look after everything.

Despite their lack of planning, things have worked out pretty well for them. They have equity in their house which, if the worst happens, can be used to pay to keep the devil from the door. They have reasonably good pensions, a semi-supportive governmental aged care system, and a family of adult children looking out for them.

Compared to that, I have darker prospects, and I have troubled thoughts about them every few days. I don't have equity, I expect practically nothing from future governments, and I won't have a family to pick me up if I fall. I ought to be using these years to furiously build my nest-egg, but I cannot. The prospect of becoming progressively more infirm, a forgotten relic in the hands of complete strangers, frankly appalls me, yet an early death seems to be the only alternative.

I decided a few years ago that I would stay in Sydney for as long as mum and dad were here - not so much out of a sense of duty, but out of a suspicion that I would have regrets if I didn't. Now, as vague prospects of working overseas again begin to loom, I wonder whether I can afford to continue to stay. Maybe it is time to put myself first again? I know that if I ever mentioned this dilemma to mum and dad they would automatically want what was best for me - but is that the best for us (I already know it is not the best for them)? I really don't know.

Is 49 too old or too young to start thinking about your own endgame? It is perhaps too old to start financial preparations - you seem to have to start on that as soon as you leave college these days. It is perhaps too young to be thinking about what not to do, what not to start, where not to go. And yet, those around me who seem to have life sorted out have achieved this happy state by exactly this existential imposition of self-applied constraints. They've each decided that they are a researcher, corporate executive, dentist, etc, and will be for the duration. Instead, I had the idea that life was a picture, and it was up to me to paint in all parts of it, by reinventing myself every few years. While that modus vivendi has provided all its expected benefits, it has also come with an obvious disadvantage: you cannot keep changing boats and expect to be captain. You realise one day that you are good at a lot of things, but there is always someone far more expert in each of these fields. You wonder: have you missed the biggest and most important boat of all?

Well! I didn't expect today's post to be such a self-examination. I'd planned a simple investigation of our own aged care prospects. Looks like something is trying to make itself heard!