Overcoming embarrassment
By MP on Tuesday 26 September 2006, 14:02 - Background - Permalink
Derek remembers the day in 1957 when we boarded the Dominion Monarch to sail from Australia to New Zealand (I don't, I was only three months old). The ship was the last of the great luxury liners, black-hulled and countenancing only one class of passenger - first class. How it was that we, the family of a junior engineer, were afforded such a passage by dad's employers is still something of a mystery.
What was most memorable for Derek was the acute embarrassment of having, under the frank and withering gaze of the upper classes, to struggle up the gangway with the common household articles that mum and dad had failed to pack - such as the clothes-horse. It seems our parents have been embarrassing us for as long as I've lived.I remember taking girlfriends home and being mortified by my dad's unfaltering ability to steer his conversation with them into what he did during the war. Funnily enough, they found it a lot more charming than I did.
In the last few years the embarrassment has taken different forms. Taking them shopping and noticing that my father has several levels of stains in his trousers is one form. Bringing people in to the house and noticing, as if for the first time, that characteristic 'old people' smell is another. Taking mum or dad out and hearing them mumble and stutter, falter and repeat themselves when we talk to waiters, bank tellers, check-out girls, and so on is a third.
But that last paragraph should really be in past tense. Embarrassment's redeeming feature, along with most emotions, is that it recedes after a while, even when the stimulus remains. My attitude now is 'You don't like the way my dad dresses? That's your problem! You don't like the way my mum talks? Well, bugger you!' I know the rest of the family thinks the same way.
You realise, as you watch your preceding generations struggle, that the world is just not set up for old people. Moreover, they are constantly being held to the performance and behaviour standards of people in the prime of life. Fail to match up and you'll get some off-hand or patronising twit fifty or sixty years your junior telling you what to do. We do not treat the very young this badly, why do we do it to the very old?
I like the image of the battling granny who looks at you with that 'I've farted. So what?' expression, who pushes in at supermarket check-out queues, waves her stick around to make space, and shouts 'get out of my way, you cheeky young whippersnapper!' I'd like to see a lot more aged aggro, actually. I think it would help to straighten out a few more of us young whippersnappers who grew up with the idea that old people were, somehow, something to despise.
The 'you'll be just the same one day' threat just doesn't seem to work for a long long time, but finally it really does hit home. Then, you grow out of being embarrassed by the elderly, precisely because you realise the truth of the words, precisely because you realise that life is still good to have, even in that straitened form it takes in later years, even with the bodily betrayal, even with the nagging confusion. Even then, you won't want to let go of it.

Comments
This reminds me of a post I read some time ago on an ALS forum. The topic was self-elected euthanasia, which a lot of people who have ALS consider and many of them coax their loved ones into performing on their behalf. Among all the posts of those who "bravely" talked about how they'd rather die than be kept alive solely by machines, one post, written by a middle aged woman who'd been suffering from ALS for awhile, shone out. Although I'm paraphrasing here, the essence of what she said was this:
"Even when you think I'm a vegetable, keep me around as long as medicine can! Visit me, where ever I am, whatever condition I'm in! Talk to me! Bring pictures of my grandkids and describe them to me! Tell me what you're doing! Tell me what you see and hear! Tell me you love me! Tell me you hate me! Tell me you feel sorry for me! Tell me you admire me! Tell me God loves me! Tell me there is no God! I don't care! Just keep me around as long as possible! This is the only life I've got! I'm not about to leave it, no matter what condition I'm in, until the combined resources of everyone and everything can no longer keep me alive!"
I remember writing something about this post in my journal, but what I wrote was pretty subdued. The woman, though was not at all subdued; if anything, she was strident. I love that post. I think about it often, especially when I'm in one of my "when things look hopeless I'll check out" humors. Truth is, I kind of think, for most of us, including me, hopelessness is a long, long way off. It is amazing, really, how seductive life is and how much it means, regardless of what condition we're in, to live one more moment, to suck up one more breath.
Good point, too, that I hadn't considered: We don't expect the young to perform like prime adults, why DO we expect this of the old? Actually, not all cultures expect this of the old, of which I'm sure you're aware. Unfortunately, those cultures are being phased out. This curiosity will stay with me...I'm sure I'll puzzle about it often. I know it's true, though. One of the tasks I often perform on my mother's behalf is staring down and blocking those who would prefer that my mother stand down in deference to what they consider their right to progress. I love doing this. It reminds me of the British sailors on Guam who, when they visited, would fearlessly march into the clogged, unruly traffic on Marine Drive and hold it at bay to allow children and elders to cross. I was always astonished at their daring. Now, I'm the darer and it feels damned good to halt the rest of the world so my mother can continue her determined shuffle through it.
Mike - A wonderful post that made me nod a lot. I love the line "Embarrassment's redeeming feature, along with most emotions, is that it recedes after a while, even when the stimulus remains." I never thought about this, but it's true - I don't think I can pinpoint when my own embarrassment about my parents receded. And I can't tell you how many people stared at my dad in his wheelchair, with his catheter bag, in the days when he still went out to medical appointments, and how many times I bit back "What are you looking at?"
Mike--Oh, yes! This is a great post about how AD is changing us. You've expressed it beautifully. I like being defiantly unembarrassed! This also reminds me of several of Gail's posts about being somewhere with her mother and encountering the kindness of someone who recognizes the situation. That can be such a profound experience. So we learn that embarrassment is an almost vestigial emotion--from the days when we needed to be approved of by everyone. I'm feeling a bit more righteous these days, for better or worse.