I am sitting at dad's computer, in a perfectly calm house. Mum and dad are having a cup of tea on the deck.

Having been unable to come over to the house last night, I made my way here this morning. Yes, there was a huge quantity of mail to deal with - mostly junk. Yes, the aricept prescriptions need renewing. Yes, a certain amount of tidying up would not go amiss. Otherwise things seem pretty much under control. I've given dad $150. Regan has obviously recently done some shopping (though perhaps another shopping trip will be in order over the weekend). Mum was in the back garden when I arrived, smiling indulgently as she watched Tippi eat the remainder of her shepherd's pie, straight from the Meals on Wheels foil tray. Fluffy was asleep under the car-port. Suburban torpor reigns.

It feels somehow like a wasted trip, yet obviously it is wrong to think that it is only worthwhile to come here to attack problems. This is an indication of how my attitude towards mum and dad has been distorted. Nowadays I see my relationship with them as essentially one of 'clearing up afterwards' or going ahead and moving obstacles before they collide with them. It is not a normal relationship any more. If they were self-sufficient I'd be a bit lost for a reason to be here. However, that is not going to happen, they are not going to learn anything new any more, they will not become more competent, so it doesn't really serve to wonder. All I know is that things feel odd.

The pressure on me to work this last couple of weeks has really illuminated things in a different light. I cannot quite put my finger on it yet, but I realise that there is something wrong with the current arrangements. When looking after mum and dad has actually cost me something, in time and money, I haven't liked it. It may simply be that I, and the others, have been forced by circumstance into treating our parents in ways that feel strange. It may be that I've been forced to take care of someone else, when my natural attitude is to leave well alone, to let people stand or fall. I don't know. As I said, all I know is that things feel odd.