For the first time since I started this weblog I have nothing to report in the way of events, no 'canned' posts prepared earlier, and nothing meditative, humourous or incisive to say about the general subject. I knew this day would eventually come, and I have already decided that when I have nothing to say I shall say...nothing. I shall not diversify into a general airing of opinion, nor will I descend into merely reporting the repetitive progression of pointless telephone calls and doomed attempts to restore parental cleanliness. I may just take days off instead - since that is what I most feel like right now.

I just happen to be reading 'Shackleton's Forgotten Men: The untold tale of an Antarctic tragedy' by Lennard Bickel - so I know what constitutes a truly heroic and futile struggle. In 1915 a party of explorers literally killed themselves to lay food depots for another party which never started out. Despite the perspective that this story ought to give me, I am filled with a feeling - transient I hope - that what we are doing for mum and dad is just as futile. It is not the size or difficulty of the task that daunts me, it is the absence of tangible benefits. Yes, I know helping mum and dad hasn't really cost me very much yet, and yes, I know that their conditions and quality of life could be much worse. It just doesn't feel like that. It feels like a lot of effort disappearing into a black hole.

My brother Greg consoles himself with the belief that any minute that mum and dad enjoy themselves is a step forward, no matter if that minute is immediately forgotten. I always need something more. I'm future- rather than present-oriented; teleological rather than experiential; and perhaps a tad perfectionist. I know it is not the ideal approach for looking after parents with dementia. Either I must (as I sometimes say) 'get an attitude upgrade' or just grit my teeth and get on with it. Both alternatives are uninviting; the first, because it means adjusting quite fundamentally: giving up a way of looking at things that I embrace and adopting a modus vivendi that, to be honest, I don't have much belief in.

So, I am going to have a bit of a rest from my parents. It has been tiring me even to think about them just recently. I'm going to sort out a few other non-parental problems, tick off a few more items on my ever-growing 'to do' list, and maybe even indulge in a novel or a film.

Coming up is our meeting with the social services. I shall make sure I am ready for that and shall work on making the most of it (this fits my way of looking at things, of course), but in the mean time - I'm number one.