The big question (part 5)
By M on Sunday 4 February 2007, 19:27 - Journal - Permalink
I've just read back over all the posts, letters and comments in the 'big
question' stream. I think I've reached a decision of sorts. Here's how...
I fiddled with the goals, accepting what people said that 'happiness' is probably vague and unrealistic idealism when it comes to mum and dad, and as long as they are content we are doing fine. So for goal No 1 read 'content' for 'happy'.
I agree with my brother and, what is more, think that we are asking too much of ourselves to be 'happy' with any decision we make. So goal No 2 gets downgraded to 'content' too.
Next, we get to goal No 3. The question of keeping mum alert has passed us by with hardly a whisper. We have already sacrificed her 'alertness' for widespread peace and goodwill (a totally worthy cause, of course). I see that as one small pragmatic step towards an 'engineered' solution, and that many others are going to follow just as easily. I'm almost ready to ditch goal No 3 completely in the light of this. Why not just do it?
So the goals look like this now:
Two other cons on the nursing home side:
Somewhere out there there is a Mack truck bearing down on us (I imagine a shiny metallic maroon-coloured one, travelling by night), and we'll meet it at some intersection point somewhere in the future. The car-crash may be a slow motion version, or it may be all over in a gasp and a sigh, but I feel better waiting for that than taking the earlier nursing home alternative. I remember a saying that was popular in a company I once worked for - if you're going to amputate the arm, don't take it off knuckle by knuckle. I may be making this far more melodramatic than is advisable, but I feel that if life has to go, it is better if it goes all at once.
I fiddled with the goals, accepting what people said that 'happiness' is probably vague and unrealistic idealism when it comes to mum and dad, and as long as they are content we are doing fine. So for goal No 1 read 'content' for 'happy'.
I agree with my brother and, what is more, think that we are asking too much of ourselves to be 'happy' with any decision we make. So goal No 2 gets downgraded to 'content' too.
Next, we get to goal No 3. The question of keeping mum alert has passed us by with hardly a whisper. We have already sacrificed her 'alertness' for widespread peace and goodwill (a totally worthy cause, of course). I see that as one small pragmatic step towards an 'engineered' solution, and that many others are going to follow just as easily. I'm almost ready to ditch goal No 3 completely in the light of this. Why not just do it?
So the goals look like this now:
- to keep mum and dad content
- to keep the rest of us content
- to keep mum and dad alive
Two other cons on the nursing home side:
- Loss of control over medication - a serious problem for many others, and a
potentially aggravating one for us too. We have already had a taste of some of
the frustration of loss of control in our complex dealings with the social
services. I do not look forward to more of this.
- My nephew Connor correctly points out that once mum and dad go into a home
our predisposition to leave each other unacknowledged for several decades at a
stretch may reassert itself - and they will get few visitors. While I am not
willing to talk on behalf of Rachel and Greg, who I assume will behave much
more commendably than me in this respect, I think this too is a serious
drawback. I know I just won't visit. I will go on occasions, to pay my dues, to
perhaps offer a bit of familial pleasure, but if I am not recognised, no longer
missed, or pleaded with to effect a great escape, I will keep visits to the
minimum. I will no doubt feel remorseful when it is all over, but that is my
personal predicament that no-one else can share.
Somewhere out there there is a Mack truck bearing down on us (I imagine a shiny metallic maroon-coloured one, travelling by night), and we'll meet it at some intersection point somewhere in the future. The car-crash may be a slow motion version, or it may be all over in a gasp and a sigh, but I feel better waiting for that than taking the earlier nursing home alternative. I remember a saying that was popular in a company I once worked for - if you're going to amputate the arm, don't take it off knuckle by knuckle. I may be making this far more melodramatic than is advisable, but I feel that if life has to go, it is better if it goes all at once.
Comments
It’s been remarkable following your thought-process through this – seeing how rationality, emotion, gut feeling, self-knowledge and self-preservation all play a part coming to a decision. Of course it’s no sort of conclusion, not with that maroon truck out there barreling down the highway. But coming to some sort of acceptance of a path.
I have never seen stated so clearly the underlying principle that my husband and I have accepted in dealing with our parents. You say: “I will wait for the accident that will force our hand. Until then I think we may as well shore up the precarious life mum and dad are clinging to at home.” It sounds almost mad, but we have found it’s actually the most realistic approach. Because it WILL be an accident that will force your hand. It always has been and always will be.
It doesn’t mean that you won’t look ahead and work out options, etc. etc., but it does mean that you accept the hair-raising fact that you are NOT going to fully control what happens. As far as I’ve been able to tell, this is the single good thing about living in dementia-world with elderly Alzheimer’s people. It constantly grabs you by the scruff of the neck and impolitely reminds you that no way are you in control. Personally, at 62, I think I really need that reminder. One’s psyche can get pretty ossified around this time of life, but these Aged P’s have really taken us out for a mental airing.
It’s interesting to see the way the tone of things has calmed down since your mom went on the medication. I remember when my father started in on Seroquel. There was one person taking the drug, and everybody else’s blood pressure went down simultaneously. Yes, the list of goals has been significantly altered, but so be it.
Your nephew has a good point. I hear people say they have wonderful visits to the nursing home because they are so much calmer without the stress of caretaking. I try to imagine going to visit my parents in a place where everything is taken care of. What the hell will we talk about? Where would be that thrill of pulling up into their driveway and having absolutely no idea what fresh absurdity I’m going to find when I open the door?
In a perfect world, what would be your ideal solution for your parents?
I think you're right. I also think that, because you are familiarizing yourself ahead of time with what you expect to be your reactions and what you know you can expect from yourself, I think you will, ultimately, suffer less remorse, possibly none at all. My experience tells me that remorse happens when we are surprised by our reactions and realize that we shouldn't have been, and needn't have been, had we been paying attention to ourselves. Knowledge is not only control, it is the peace of self-acceptance, as well.