Pathetic
By MM on Monday 12 March 2007, 16:59 - Journal - Permalink
I am torn between feeling sorry for my father and wishing he would just leave
me alone. I've recently taken to leaving the ring-tone of my phone on mute
almost all the time. It seems better to catch up on my real calls when I am
ready, rather than get them in real time and have to field dad's calls as well.
I seem to have exhausted my limited patience with him, and would really rather
I hadn't. Not speaking to him directly seems to be a way of avoiding this
dilemma.
There is very little I can do about the things dad calls about.
First, dad is plainly worried about mum's behaviour towards people who visit the house: the nurses, the meals on wheels volunteers and the careworkers who prepare evening meals on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. He calls these people 'your staff' when he's talking to me, clearly under the impression that I run an organisation that encompasses all these functions. When 'my staff' are late, dad calls me to report on them. He has at times asked that I impress upon my staff the need to visit on time - because he and mum can't be hanging around waiting all day. His calls on this subject are always in the morning - he seems to have formed the idea that the staff should be there much earlier than arranged. But, back to the first point... mum's aggressive attitude embarrasses dad who, despite being drawn to the romance of action and vigour, likes a peaceful life. He needs to have a solution to this, and it seems I now have in my hands the power to provide it; Dr Humerus left a message (of course, I didn't take the call directly), to say that lower doses of Risperidone (up to 0.5 mg, I think), may be prescribed by a GP. I shall therefore now start work on mum's GP and see where we go from there. I've already put the first call in and am awaiting the response.
The second subject of dad's calls, now quite overt, is my next visit, which can never come soon enough. He has started almost pleading, saying that he doesn't know how much longer he's got (on this earth) and it would be nice if all the family could be together for dinner, or lunch, or any pretext, it doesn't matter. Is it getting embarrassingly pathetic, and I find this aspect of it rather hard to handle, coming from my father. It seems that the others are getting the same kind of beseeching imprecations, and word has come back to me that dad is a bit disappointed that I seem to be so busy all the time.
His helplessness is not entirely psychological. He now seems incapable of going shopping for himself. The other day when I gave him $100 of his own money, I put it directly into his wallet and noticed that there was already about $150 in there. He is just not spending any money any more. His and mum's food shopping is being done primarily by Rachel these days. Dad used to be able to go fetch milk, bread, apples and chocolate. Now even that simple task seems to have fallen away. Bit by bit, he amd mum are becoming totally dependent on us. If we were totally dependable, this might be all right.
There is very little I can do about the things dad calls about.
First, dad is plainly worried about mum's behaviour towards people who visit the house: the nurses, the meals on wheels volunteers and the careworkers who prepare evening meals on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. He calls these people 'your staff' when he's talking to me, clearly under the impression that I run an organisation that encompasses all these functions. When 'my staff' are late, dad calls me to report on them. He has at times asked that I impress upon my staff the need to visit on time - because he and mum can't be hanging around waiting all day. His calls on this subject are always in the morning - he seems to have formed the idea that the staff should be there much earlier than arranged. But, back to the first point... mum's aggressive attitude embarrasses dad who, despite being drawn to the romance of action and vigour, likes a peaceful life. He needs to have a solution to this, and it seems I now have in my hands the power to provide it; Dr Humerus left a message (of course, I didn't take the call directly), to say that lower doses of Risperidone (up to 0.5 mg, I think), may be prescribed by a GP. I shall therefore now start work on mum's GP and see where we go from there. I've already put the first call in and am awaiting the response.
The second subject of dad's calls, now quite overt, is my next visit, which can never come soon enough. He has started almost pleading, saying that he doesn't know how much longer he's got (on this earth) and it would be nice if all the family could be together for dinner, or lunch, or any pretext, it doesn't matter. Is it getting embarrassingly pathetic, and I find this aspect of it rather hard to handle, coming from my father. It seems that the others are getting the same kind of beseeching imprecations, and word has come back to me that dad is a bit disappointed that I seem to be so busy all the time.
His helplessness is not entirely psychological. He now seems incapable of going shopping for himself. The other day when I gave him $100 of his own money, I put it directly into his wallet and noticed that there was already about $150 in there. He is just not spending any money any more. His and mum's food shopping is being done primarily by Rachel these days. Dad used to be able to go fetch milk, bread, apples and chocolate. Now even that simple task seems to have fallen away. Bit by bit, he amd mum are becoming totally dependent on us. If we were totally dependable, this might be all right.
Comments
Interesting summation in your last two sentences. I like your stating of it.
I confess, despite your exasperation, with which I deeply sympathize, to very much enjoying your father's belief in you as the administrator of a staff you've personally picked to see to him and your mom.
It occurred to me, while I was reading the middle section, that you and your father are both "do-ers"...people who, when confronted with any kind of communication, must do something about it. This situation with your dad would probably be much easier on both of you if you were both "be-ers" but, then, neither of you is, so, you know, keep your phone on mute, take the hyphen out of the last quotated word and have a beer, Mike.
Granted, I'm not a doctor or medical professional but perhaps my experience with "Grandma" may help with your mother's meds.
Please talk to her Dr.'s about saving the Respiradone for later and trying Trazodone first. It's an anti-depressant that is mostly used as a sleep aide. However, it is not habit forming and can be used with most medications the elderly/demented already take. Grandma's doctor (a psychiatrist) put her on it as a way to calm her and reduce her agitation. I've been asking for some sort of tranqualizer for months but he won't drug her ...yet. He and I spoke about Valium, Risperidone or Haldol, but he says that any of those drugs would be as a very last resort. Valium (and drugs like it) can backfire on you with AD/Dementia patients. You already know about the zombie effect in the other two medications.
I found your blog this year and have been trying to catch up with all your posts as I read your new ones. Your parents are lucky to have such a caring "staff" and administrator to look after their care. Take care of yourself.
I think it’s interesting how wide are the fluctuations in one’s ability to deal with, confront, accept, tolerate, or otherwise manage to live with this stuff. Sometimes we can be fairly wise and compassionate; other times we just wish they would leave us alone, as you say.
A lot of it has to do with the simple ENDLESSNESS of it. You can be competent and caring for weeks on end, and then you have to do it all over again (and again and again).
Then the other side of the coin is that it keeps changing. Everybody’s sliding down hill at different rates and unpredictably. This means that whatever systems we and our “staff” have worked out have to be constantly changing, but with limited ability to foresee and plan what will be needed next. So the gratification of at least knowing that one is dealing competently with a difficult situation keeps getting undercut, and suddenly one is not dealing well with it at all.
The whole cycle can be demoralizing, to say the least.
redcedar,
Thanks for getting to the heart of the matter. I've been trying to figure out what's so demoralizing and upsetting about the process of caregiving, and you hit it--no matter what solution you devise, you know your solution is only temporary and will ultimately fail, even as you're hoping it'll work for at least a while. To use an overwrought expression, you're always planning for winning the battle but know you'll ultimately lose the war. It takes real presence of mind and lots of support to keep plugging away and doing what feels some days to be a Sisyphean task.
Just had to say...redcedar's comment is an EXCELLENT review of the situation. I'll be bookmarking it as a reminder when I'm not dealing well...
As kids we went from fathers know best then as we age we may think at times that father knows less to finally think what do father knows anyway?